I always want to tell her how wonderful she is. I caution myself, as I want her to develop her own confidence through her own experiences. In addition to her greatness in my eyes, I want her to have humility. She is my heart and soul. She is intelligent, dedicated, creative. She is my daughter.
When I was younger, I always dreamed of having a little girl. On June 22, 2016 at 10:10 PM, my dream came true.
My first memory is my husband joyfully exclaiming, “It’s a girl!” Immediately following this, I remember my own mother standing to the right of me. She proudly stated, “Well, you have a best friend for life.” I’ll never forget those words. My mom and I have a truly beautiful relationship. I immediately aspired to give my daughter what my own mother has given me.
My body was in a shock, having just gone through a fairly rigorous labor. I knew it would be difficult, but I remember telling my husband that it felt like I just ran a marathon, even though I have never run a marathon.
When I looked at her, I immediately saw my husband and his nose and content smile on her perfect little face. She revealed her blue eyes. It felt so miraculous that my husband and I were now proud parents of this little person with his nose and my eyes. Her beautiful little face snuggled perfectly on my chest and her powerful, healthy cry slowly subsided. She looked up at me as I admired her, and that instant love and connection is truly impossible to put into words. She was my dream in real life. She was perfect.
Watching my daughter, and really all three of my kids, grow up is so fulfilling. From early on, my daughter’s personality emerged. Her pensive nature and maturity have been present since before she was crawling. She has always showed her eagerness to develop and learn. She finishes her weekly homework in one sitting and asks for more. She is eager to try new things and puts her foot down when she’s simply not interested. She does not oblige if something is disagreeable to her interests. She is quite stubborn. I once described her as feisty to one of my colleagues. He plainly looked at me and stated, “Well, that’s good, isn’t it? You don’t want her to just accept anything.” Those words resonated with me. She is strong and has the qualities of a natural leader.
I have so many hopes for her. I see a lot of myself in her. I recently expressed my frustration with challenges getting her ready for school in the morning. Despite putting clothes out the night before, shopping for the most comfortable options together and discussing appropriate clothing for certain seasons, it’s frequently a battle in the morning. My mom listened to me and smirked. “I remember someone like this,” she gently stated. She reminded me of my similar troubles as a young girl and her absolute favorite school photo of mine where I was completely teary eyed and disheveled. My mom had bought me a beautiful holiday dress to wear, and I couldn’t even let her touch my hair that morning. My mom subsequently gave me a look to indicate that perhaps now I could feel some of the frustration she endured.
At the end of the day, the frustration is still lovely. Is that possible? My mom looks back on that memory of me and it’s one of her favorites. It probably wasn’t fun struggling to get me dressed or brush my hair, but she still finds that picture to be her favorite, so much so that it was framed in our living room or somewhere for a while. In that sense, I already reflect on challenges getting my daughter dressed in the morning and simultaneously admire her refusal to be uncomfortable. This brings me some comfort in a way. If she is already so adamant about refusing discomfort, I can only hope that she will continue to express her dissatisfaction with other troubles in the future.
I previously had my therapist tell me that one day, my children would be teenagers and things may become even more challenging. She laughed to herself and told me to use the trash can method. “The what?” I curiously asked. “Throw the insults or attitude in the trash,” she explained.
As she further described, we are our children’s safe place. We are there for them no matter what, and they usually know this. When they are young, they are having all kinds of new experiences, feeling new emotions and learning how to express themselves. They can pent up emotions and when they’re ready, they release them. Usually, it’s on their parents. It’s not because you did anything wrong, it’s because you are their comfort zone.
So, throw the insults or attitude or whatever pent-up emotion comes your way, in a trashcan… in your brain. There is information and feelings and emotions that you should retain and allow your brain to process, but sometimes it is nonsensical, and you should stop your brain from retaining or digesting it. Put up that stop sign and throw it away.
Of course, this doesn’t mean to completely ignore bad behavior or concerning behavior. You should certainly still discipline your child as you see fit, remind them their speech may not be acceptable or confront them if concerned, but it means not to take it all personally. Often, your child is going through something and needs something – whether that be your attention or your presence as a trash can.
Maybe some don’t agree with this philosophy, but it felt like a lightbulb for me. I certainly threw verbal trash at my own mother, and I’m not proud of it. I hope she knew to throw it out.
My daughter continues to surprise me. While I see some of my similarities in her, I’m also observing unfamiliar scenarios and characteristics. She is incredibly creative. I also think she has more artistic ability than I do to this day. I imagine she got that from her dad.
At the end of the day, she is her own person. She is unique, exceptional and I can’t believe I get to call her my daughter. In the midst of our current daily chaos, I try so hard to savor the present memories. I am often reminded, that one day, she won’t want to play with me. Maybe one day, she may not want to go shopping with me or light up to spend the day with mom. I hope that never happens but understand that it may. So, I try. I try to take it all in and soak up our time together. At the same time, I try not to put so much pressure on this and simply enjoy it. It’s truly a fine balance.
I can and can’t wait to see what the future brings. I know she will excel. My only hope is that her primary success is happiness and truthfulness to herself.
I also say I can wait, because I don’t need time to speed up and reveal everything. I can take some time enjoying the present while anticipating a beautiful future.
Breath sounds and bubbles 