The Beauty of Aging

I’m not sure when it happened, how it happened or what factors played a role, but I’ve found some changes in my interests. I find myself frowning to today’s hits as they blast on the radio and switching to NPR or my favorite medical podcast. ‘Do they really think this is music?’ I find myself wondering as I listen to modern rap or pop. They don’t have the true talent of the backstreet boys or Dr. Dre or the RHCP.

Between the hustle and bustle of working, taking care of our three children, cleaning and emptying schoolbags, I’ve experienced newfound joy in things like sitting in quiet or listening to classical piano music while I cook, bake or wash the dishes. Sometimes I do pirouettes around the kitchen and pretend I’m a professional ballerina on stage. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture myself at a concert hall listening to a live ensemble. Lately, listening to Saweetie while doing these tasks just does not have the same appeal. I don’t want to hear about vulgar acts while wiping the grim off my casserole dish.

I suppose I’m at a point in my life where there is often so much commotion and need from others, that I long for these calm moments. They are more vital than ever. My patience has grown for certain things but dwindled for others. An appreciation for fine art and classical music has emerged.

I remember my Dad always joking that my music was “distorted sound.” He would drive me everywhere in high school and endure listening to pop music or rap while likely frowning on the inside. He didn’t let his distaste for the music hide, but he still endured it because I loved it. He was that kind of Dad.

I suppose I am aging. As life changes and new experiences come and go, interests and desires change too. Outlets become different, and needs fluctuate.

Will I drive my kids around and endure the distorted sounds of the time? Time will tell. For now, they get to listen to my old favorites.

In addition to changes in interests, my chronic illness has also made health a new focus. No longer do I feel it accurate to describe myself as young and healthy. Sadly, I feel the need to describe myself as someone with a chronic disease. It’s still a mysterious illness, but one, nonetheless. My symptoms fluctuate, I have flares and there is a new need for built in rest time daily. I do secretly hope this will go away with time, and I can operate at my prior known full capacity in the future, but I have accepted that it may not.

My hopes to return to avid running remain in the back of my mind, but the pressure to get there soon has diminished. I recognize that it is only my own expectation to do this, and I need to change my approach to do something new that I can fulfill with my health limitations. It is not my ideal scenario, but I am learning to adapt and appreciate that a new path may bring about new discoveries and benefits.

I recently spoke to someone who was going a lot of Barre and found benefits in this. “It’s so good for my lumbar issues,” she told me. Well, I have occasional back pains and strain my neck every few months, I just definitely give this a try. I suppose new aches and pains comes with aging as well.

Lately, I also find myself wearing less makeup with confidence and focusing more on skincare. I recently went for a facial and a “skincare diagnosis.” I learned that my skin was dehydrated and tired. “Does this mean more wrinkles?” I asked the esthetician. She prescribed a few modifications to my bare skincare routine of bar soap and moisturizer to which I eagerly made changes. This simple alteration has given me new confident in my own skin.

Perhaps more care for yourself and attention to this is one of the beauties of aging. You are more accepting of your imperfections. These imperfections are no longer unwanted features or traits but part of who you are. They are the same imperfections that were part of you when you endured hardship and when you welcomed accomplishments.

In the same regard, aging has brought about a new sense of confidence. In my case, I have achieved my career goal. I am a hospitalist in a community setting taking care of medically complex patients with a leadership role in perioperative medicine. I have gained the confidence to know that I have fulfilled my professional needs. With time, new opportunities for growth in my field and leadership seem to present themselves with open arms. Despite this, I have developed the security to say no. I have acknowledged that there can be a met threshold for certain life paths. Ongoing expansion and increased responsibility will not always bring increased fulfillment. I feel a certain sense of comfort in understanding this about myself.

My path has changed from career growth to personal growth. My interests have expanded to include new hunger for art and culture. I find myself wanting to learn how to speak more languages, dance more and fulfill my creative self. I am writing more. The desire to feed this hunger is stronger than ever, and I sincerely hope it is not merely a transient phase in my life. I find myself wanting to ensure that my kids engage their creativity and pursue these interests. Maintaining this branch of self feels more significant than ever, and perhaps I feel this way since I let it slip away for so many years as I focused on my career.

As I expand my interests and shift my focus a bit, I feel more in tune with my inner desires than ever before. The beauty of my surroundings and the confidence in my choices makes me feel happy and complete. I observe my children with high hopes for trueness to self and honesty. Perhaps I may have to endure a few years of bad rap and pop music while they discover themselves, but I can only hope to support them through it all, even if I have to internally cringe while listening to vulgarities from Saweetie.