Reflection and Gratitude

I’ve felt the recent urge to write something to reflect how sincerely grateful I have been feeling lately. I have had several moments where I felt the need to write them down to remember them. The truth is that, lately, my life has been fairly calm and dare I say it – somewhat simple. I am now 39 weeks pregnant with our third child and strategically planned to be out of work at 37 weeks. I wanted to rest up before baby and to avoid the ongoing stress and chaos associated with hospital medicine during an ongoing and seemingly, everlasting pandemic.

I’ve been sleeping in, nesting, watching TV and for the first time in a long time – I’ve been on top of the laundry. It sounds silly, but typically, life is so extremely busy that these little pleasures are just not achievable. I feel somewhat ready for this little baby to enter the world. I feel relaxed and present. For once, I’m not rushing around and fighting the clock to accomplish multiple tasks. I’m calm and content.

Our kiddos are both in school Monday through Wednesday. At the beginning of my time off from work, I had a laundry list of things to cross off and complete. Some of these things have been present on my list for months, but with a busy work schedule, the last thing I want to do on my days off is a chore that can likely wait just a little bit longer. With the help of my amazing hubby, I completed most of these tasks early on and now my list has slowly disappeared. Hubby and I even finished our Christmas shopping and wrapped all of the gifts already. It’s odd. For the first time in a long time, I have random days to just be. There are ample days to rest and recoup and reflect.

I suppose that’s what motivated me to sit and write. I have the time to do it, which in itself is enough to make me feel very grateful.

We’ve had an eventful couple of years. There were lots of ups and downs. We had COVID early on in the pandemic. Both my husband and I had mild courses, but I experienced several “long hauler” COVID symptoms for months after the acute phase. I experiences some significant emotional and physical stress before I eventually fully recovered. I worked at it and would like to think I subsequently found myself in the best shape of my life.

Not long after that, I suffered a fairly devastating miscarriage the Summer prior to last. It was the kind that required a surgical procedure due to retained products of conception. It was sad and difficult to understand. Besides the emotional stress, it was also accompanied by significant physical stress and changes that were difficult to cope with at the time. Nevertheless, we got through it, and several months later, I was blessed with my current pregnancy.

Months after my miscarriage, my incredible mother passed out while watching our children. Her fall resulted in multiple, debilitating right foot fractures and months of ongoing symptoms with a delayed discovery of heart problems. In her typical nature, she handled it graciously and courageously. She was patient with her workup and independent regardless of her limitations. Despite her demeanor, it was a frustrating to watch her endure these challenges.

This past Summer, my incredible husband found himself in the midst of many unsolvable work challenges that ultimately led to his very courageous departure from an organization that he had a heavy hand in building. I still can’t imagine what he individually went through, but I do recall witnessing him navigate truly undeserving challenges with integrity and leadership.

More recently, our family of four all tested positive for COVID again. It was confusing and frustrating, but quite different than the first time. This time around, my husband and I were both fully vaccinated. I was able to work through the symptoms until my second test turned up positive. I recovered quickly. There were no long hauler symptoms. The hardest thing was watching my 3-year-old son experience symptoms. Although, he quickly also fully recovered.

I began this post with intentions to express gratitude, yet here I am reflecting on some of our biggest challenges over the last 2 years. I think the two can go hand in hand. Perhaps reflection of these challenges reminds me that my family and I have overcome these obstacles. These downs in life ultimately lift us up. They make us stronger.

Besides reflection, I recall moments of gratitude in the depths of the challenges. I recall moments of thankfulness that we can be together in our warm, comfy house during quarantine. I am grateful that I have experience caring for COVID and with that, the comfort of knowledge. I recall looking up to the sky and thanking God as I have checked on my beautiful babies asleep in their beds. I remember thinking that there are so many that are not as lucky. I recall thanking God for wonderful medical care as a medical procedure can quickly eliminate the physical obstacles of my miscarriage and immediately alleviate some of my symptoms. I recall that not all women around the world have access to medical care or the options for rapid treatment.

I continue to feel grateful that my husband now works exclusively from home for his own business of which he has control of all decisions and his own time. I feel immensely proud of his resilience and leadership. I feel grateful that this massive change presents the opportunity to be flexible. I feel grateful that for the last two weeks, I see him more than ever and feel supported more than ever. I feel grateful that we found each other and have created this life. I feel grateful that I am with the absolute love of my life.

I am grateful that my beautiful mother has recovered from most of her ailments. She is back to chasing her grandbabies and working designing kitchens for fun, as she casually notes. I am grateful that the holidays are among us, and we can be together. We have the means to buy gifts for our babies and plan ahead for a warm meal at home. I know that many are not as lucky.

I recall many moments of honest gratitude where I have to literally shut my eyes and take it all in. These are moments of happiness in its purest form. Through this writing, I now also recognize that these moments are not only present at the height of the good times, but amongst the bad times. I sit here now – 39 weeks pregnant, warm in my home, relaxed, with my hubby just down the hall and about to go get my beautiful children from school just taking it all in. My heart is full, and I am forever grateful.