Not What I Expected

Balance. It has been my favorite word and goal for a fulfilling and satisfying life. I didn’t always have it. As a college student, I committed myself to a career in medicine pretty early on. I have always known what I wanted quickly, and my career was the same. In high school, I quickly leaned in to my love of anatomy and physiology, and my interest must have been obvious because it was my teacher of the course who first pulled me aside and asked me if I had thought about a career in medicine. I remember that moment to this day.

It clicked for me as many of my decision do. Yes, I was interested. I was fascinated by anatomy and the many intricate and complicated processes that make our bodies function so beautifully. It was exciting. Yes, I would pursue this in the future. I was in.

In college, the path was linear and the goal was highlighted – medical school.

I “sacrificed” many events, weekends and parties, as I was often using the time to brush up on a rigorous curriculum. I dedicated extra time to my role in the Pre-Medical Honor Society and volunteered at our community’s local free medical clinic. I sometimes laugh when I encounter others who inquire about the sacrifices I took to become a doctor. Yes, I missed a lot. I still do. But – it was always a privilege. Coming from the struggles and perseverance of immigrant parents, I’m still pretty certain I have never really sacrificed anything in my life.

Fast forward a few years, and I became a mommy. Balance became a bigger objective in my long-term goals. It wasn’t just about me missing events for my career. It was now about figuring out the right formula to give my baby what she needs and yet fulfill my role as a physician. After years of dedicating efforts to this role, it was critical for me to maintain my initial goal to serve my community and strengthen my experience and quality of care.

I did find a good balance. I was forgiven of my tremendous medical school debt for committing to 10 years of full-time work at a non-profit. The handcuffs that committed me to a certain salary and full-time practice were removed. It was very liberating. I was not unhappy with my work, but my balance was off.

I promptly cut my time at work down. I now had less weekends, holidays and a handful of weekdays off every month. It was a big shift. In fact, I’m in one of my days now. I have days with my youngest built in, but I also made a point to carve out days for myself.

Oddly enough, I have discovered that the days for myself are wonderful, but I don’t need so many of them. Some weeks, I have three in a row. They are unstructured. I don’t plan too much as the rest of my schedule is often jam packed. They are not what I thought. I expected to be uber productive and complete projects around the house, join a fitness class, drive up to meet my mom for lunch. Yet, when the days come, I’m tired. I may have finished a 7 day stretch of work. Some of these mornings, I find myself sitting on the couch for a couple hours, watching CNN and drinking coffee.

Don’t get me wrong, “vegging out” can be wonderful. At the same time, I am more productive with structure, predictability. I have learned that I like a routine. Life is easier with a schedule and a circulating flow of activities. Hours of free time can be more challenging than I anticipated. For me in particular, lack of productivity during that kind of allotted time can be a bit – defeating.

My internal solution was to cut back on work more. I love my job, but I have begun to feel the sting of missed sporting events and attendance at family events. The balance of having many weekdays off is no longer as valuable given that two of my three babies are in school all day.

My husband is a very savvy and successful businessman. I foresaw his company’s continued success and growth and my slow removal of work hours along the way.

The truth is, I’ve done it. I have checked the career box on my life checklist. Done. I have achieved what I set out to do. I absolutely love my work and have gotten to exactly where I wanted to in my life. With that box marked off, I was ready to cut down on that aspect and shift the focus to other avenues like fitness and volunteer work. I had told family members, colleagues and myself – cutting down on work was my future.

Perhaps this is why life is so unpredictable. It is not always linear. It is not always what you expect. I didn’t realize that a position would present itself to me. A position that I had unknowingly prepared for my entire career. A position that offered no weekend or Holiday commitments but yet presents leadership and opportunity for real impact. A position I didn’t even know I wanted. A position I didn’t know I needed.

I find myself excited about a new balance that I did not even think possible. After years of missing holidays and weekend events, I expected this to be the norm that I carried with me for life. I was OK with that. Yet, life seems to have other plans for me.

Perhaps the important lesson for me is not that life is not always what you expect, but life gives you what you are willing to put into it. Understanding privilege is critical to observing what life throws at you with open eyes and possibility.

I am intimidated by this new change. It will bring new challenges and significant responsibility, but I am up for it. I am wide-eyed and open minded. My balance today is completely unexpected. The percentages are completely different than what I predicted for myself and my family. Yet, as it was for times in the past, the approach to the shift makes this present formula just right.