Working Mama Woes

It happened. I witnessed one of those expected moments between a daughter and a working mom. It was my first day “back to work” since acquiring COVID-19 about two weeks ago. It has been very up and down, but I have largely improved and awoke today feeling more myself than I have since it started. With that, I was already on the schedule to work from home, reviewing patient charts for and making myself available to two of our fantastic advanced practice providers.

I spent most of the day from 9-5 in the office. I less than graciously booted my husband out of the office to the kitchen to complete his work day as he has been working from home for over 2 months now and on day one, I had not yet established our hospital computer software on my laptop.

So there it was. Both of us were now working full time from home, with two toddlers running around among us. What I anticipated to be a short day of chart review and touching base with the providers in the hospital actually turned into a full day, as additional chart reviews were sent to me throughout the day. It was only fair, and I understand that.

It wasn’t until 4 PM when I had 10 additional charts remaining that I felt it. My daughter came into the office with sadness in her eyes. “Mommy, when will you play with me?” I felt sadness right along with her. I just thought about my sweet little girl sitting around the house all day, watching movies, seemingly ignored by her parents (for lack of a better way to say it).

What can we do? We have jobs and it is not an ideal situation. Usually, she is off at preschool playing with her friends, learning things, socializing. We are busy working, and she doesn’t have any time to think about missing us. It has worked.

I felt the dilemma working parents around the world have felt for weeks. I also felt a little guilty that I was too now just joining the club. Prior to getting COVID, things were not that different for me. I was still going to work regularly, driving to the hospital, coming home and dedicating my entire home time to my family.

Now I felt it. This evening, my daughter looked up at me after I tucked her in to her bed. Her eyes filled up with tears and it all came pouring out. “Why won’t you play with me anymore? You are always on your computer. All you do is computer!”

Just like that. Day 1. My heart was heavy.

I tried my best to explain the situation, but how far can you get with a 4 year old? She understands so much but yet still so little. I tried to express the importance of my job and reviewing things at home so that I can help people feel better. She listened and nodded but continued to cry.

We concluded by compromising that I would try to take some small breaks throughout the day to make room for playtime before getting back to work. I don’t think it was very well received but the crying subsided to some degree. She eventually calmed down and fell asleep.

I left her room with the urge to write this down and let it out. I always knew this moment would come. I knew there would be a day when the amazing strength and power of being a working mom would feel overwhelming. I imagined it to be a day in the distant future, perhaps a weekday event at school or a sporting event that I missed. I never expected it to be from being present, working at home, sitting at the computer all day.

I suppose that in fact, sometimes you can be more absent when physically present than you are when you are not there in person. I suppose that, now writing this, this experience has taught me that. I think it will make me stronger in the future. I truly feel that being present means being fully attentive to your receiver – fully listening, engaging and absorbing.

I have always felt very empowered as a working mom. I feel that it is teaching my children the values of a strong female in the workforce. I believe that it opens doors for my daughter, teaching her that women can be and do anything they wish to do. Similarly, it empowers my son. It empowers him to see women as equals and co-workers. It empowers him to feel strengthened by a female leader, rather than threatened.

Now I feel that I can add the power of the strength of fully present time together, rather than quantity of time together.

Now I sit here feeling enlightened. I sit here having taken a very sad, overwhelming moment with my daughter and have turned it into a moment of growth. For that, I am very thankful.